The story of Orpheus and Eurydice is one told many times in many different ways, and which I most recently experienced in the musical Hadestown. If you're not aware of the story then there are SPOILERS to come.
There are different versions of the story but in almost all of them Orpheus is in love with Eurydice and loses her to death, Hades, or some other tragedy, and the loss is often tied to the chance for Orpheus to save her. In Hadestown, Orpheus has the chance to walk Eurydice out of hell if he can keep doubt away, and not look back to make sure she is following behind him. If he looks back, though, she must return to Hadestown. Logically this task seems easy.
I couldn't help but think about it as a decision matrix:
|
The Choice: |
Eurydice is
Following (loves
Orpheus) |
Eurydice is
Not Following (it’s all a
trick, she doesn’t love him enough to follow) |
|
Orpheus Looks
Back (i.e. let’s
Doubt win) |
Orpheus fails Eurydice: Orpheus loses
the deal with Hades, and Eurydice tragically returns to hell even though she
did love him |
They both failed: Orpheus loses
the deal with Hades, but it doesn’t matter because she wasn’t following
anyway |
|
Orpheus Doesn’t Look Back (i.e. trusts in her love) |
They both win: Orpheus &
Eurydice end up together |
Eurydice fails Orpheus: Orpheus demonstrates
his trust & love, but it was unfounded & he loses Eurydice anyway |
While 3 of the outcomes are tragic (some more than others), the path for Orpheus seems obvious. the only way he can have a "happy" ending is if he doesn't look back. SPOILER: Orpheus looks back and Eurydice is following but he loses her to Hades. This is possibly the most tragic ending because it feels like it was in his control. I was initially so angry with Orpheus, because not only was the outcome within his control, even it was not in his control, it makes no sense to look. If you lose Eurydice either way, then there is no reason to look. You give up your only chance at a happy ending.
So why does he look? The reason, I think, that he looks is that the fear that Eurydice might fail him and he is duped by it, is greater than the fear that he fails her. The fear that we are unloved, that we could do everything right, and still the other person might not be there, is somehow more depressing than if we fail and succumb to doubt, because at least we had control over that. In other words, not having control over the outcome is worse than the outcome being tragic and out of our control.
Orpheus looking back makes no logical sense, but it is true to the human experience. We often choose failure over letting someone else fail us. We dump before we might get dumped. We doubt our own worthiness so much that we'd rather guarantee we're alone than risk being the more vulnerable one.
I hate this outcome, but I understand it deeply and personally. I know what it's like to doubt and question repeatedly if someone who says they love me actually loves me. I distrust their expression if it is not recent and repetitive, because I doubt so strongly my own worthiness of love. I look back for reassurance out of fear that if I don't keep looking back I'll be left alone. And I have to ask myself, would I keep doing it if I was told, expressly like Orpheus, that if you keep looking back, if you keep questioning love, then you will eventually lose it. If you look back again, she'll be lost, even if she was there.
Logically, the answer is obvious.
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